Matt\

After reading the title you may have a very particular idea about what this rant is going to be about. Well, it's not, it's about video games, and not that there is no subtext to the fact that I like musical theatre.
A certain female friend of mine who will remain nameless (wink, spiky hair, wink) is fond of making the same character in every game she plays. She tries to create a girl who’d just as soon kick your ass as consent to wait around to be rescued (or end up in a refrigerator…look it up). She cackles madly as her female avatar bludgeons her enemies to death or burns them with magic fire. Then she gets a confused look on her face when she looks over at my computer, and sees roughly the same thing.
Many friends have asked why it seems I play as women in most RPG’s (Role playing game for anyone over 35 reading this) I’ve played that give you the chance to choose genders. This unnerves some of my male friends, and to explain (sort of) this I’d like to offer the following long and annoyingly introspective rant.
One thing I think is different about how I play games is the fact that in role-playing games, I’m not trying to re-create myself. Now, I’m not saying everyone goes into a game trying to create an avatar that could be mistaken by their own family members as being them, I just think there is a general assumption that many try to create an idealized version of what the player would hope to be in their chosen game world.
The thing is, I don’t see it this way most of the time. I’m not trying to create Orc matt, or undead Matt, or even buff human Matt. To be honest, I’m trying to make a cool, action figure really. Eons ago in my innocent youth, before I had computer games to help me make imaginary characters kill each other, I had X-men and spider men action figures, and I made them kill each other (Snikt FTW Bitches!) I play more of a god figure in these fantasies than a participant. That’s why I probably enjoyed RTS games so much; I liked being a faceless general directing my legions of cool guys. RPG’s are just this on a smaller scale. My character is my badass minion, no me.
Though does perhaps suggest a disturbing fact. Does the fact that I primarily create female characters mean I have some deep-seated, frighteningly Freudian desire to bend (poor choice of words) women to my will? I say nay! I may be a slightly disturbing shut in with a smiling façade in place of social skills, but I don’t subscribe to this certain questionable quirk.
The real reason lies in aesthetics. I am something of an artsy snob when it comes to design and character creation. My taste runs contrary to most male targeting games, which either have male hairy burly hulk Hogan like heroes who could crush a puppy with their pecks, or female heroes with watermelons strapped to their chests and more skin showing then statue of liberty if you stripped her naked (consider the comparative surface area, then you’ll get it).
I can’t, and thus won’t try to explain what exactly my ascetic taste is (I have things to do, as I’m sure you do) but I can state it does not seem to be aligned with the general populace (I sound so pretentious even typing that). It’s different, and we’ll leave it at that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so divorced from my humanity that I don’t enjoy a little pit of skin on my female characters (young flesh makes it’s own demands, sigh) I would just like it to be tasteful. Hell I’d be happy to have my sword-slinging heroine disemboweling monsters wearing a burka if said Burka had some cool fabric and neat patterns. I just like them to look pretty, and I mean; beautiful gorgeous, not hot or damn fine, but pretty, like art. This could mean sexy, may not, may only be sexy to me, but there’s no accounting for taste, even mine, so I’m not going to try.
To sum this whole train wreck of a rant up, I want to create a female minion, because, and who looks like, a piece of human art in the bizzaro art gallery of my mind. I want her disemboweling her enemies to be as artful and inspiring as she is, and if this is wrong, then tough.
So there. Bleh!


p.s. If anyone thinks this whole whole rant essential ends up saying I see women as objects(of art) i would remind you I'm talking about a video game character and I would then go on to suggest you go suck on a railroad spike.

p.p.s. Too verbally abusive? It's a rant, deal with it!

I have some strange ideas, some optimistic, some pragmatic, some utter melancholy. One of my less crowd pleasing hypothesises is, that at their core, no act is truly selfless, that every decision a human being makes is in truth, selfishly motivated.
We pursue a certain course of action because we want to, because we may gain something from it, and because we will feel guilty if we do not. As individuals we strive only for our own gratification and peace of mind. Acts of compassion and charity are simply a form of insurance against feeling bad if we were to forgo said acts.
While this may seem very bleak and pessimistic, there is a brighter side to this. While this world view seems to cast human beings are self absorbed, avarice driven wretches, ironically I believe it can lead to harmony. It is my firm belief that the best way to ensure you get to live your happy, serene, self absorbed life, is by begin kind to others. We are a social species, and unless you plan on walling yourself off in some hermitage, you have to accept this reality. Thus for you to be happy and remain so, everyone else, or at least those who you come into contact, need to be happy as well.
I suggest that, we should not pursue harmony with others and the world around us due to some belief in absolute truths or higher moral standard, but simply because it’s the best way to get along with everyone else.
You want people to be kind to you? Be kind to them. This is why, despite my gradual disassociation and growing contempt for organized religion, I still truly believe it can be a force for good.
“Do onto others, as you would have them do onto you”.
This phrase pretty much sums up the whole guiding principle I’m trying to convey here. It makes no mention of heavenly rewards, or that you should do it because it’s the “right thing” to do, just simple give and take. Acting as many would describe as moral, to me is just simple pragmatism.
All this being said, I am more than willing to admit that there may be something I am missing. I have had several experiences when others have offered to do me favours while refusing repayment, and I do feel a sense of unease when it happens. I could rationalize it that they just took pity on me and are trying to soothe their own sense of guilt they may have if they don’t help me, but then again…maybe not.
If any of this seems incoherent or repetitive, keep in mind, this is a rant, not a philosophical thesis. I’m writing this off to top of my head. If you wish to comment on this or discuss it with me, please use the contact page on the main site.

There’s something I want to tell you guys about, and I hope you gleam something from it, for it’s been haunting me and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I was watching, for the purpose of this entry, what we will call a fantasy show. In the show, one of the main characters had a tragic event in her past, 10 years ago. Back then, she was forced to make a deal with the devil, that she should would not come to harm at that time, but the price was that she would only live for another ten years. Present day, she is attending school and is surrounded by friends, and then she remembers that this is the day, her last day.
This character has been strong, vibrant and funny throughout all the previous episodes, but this episode shocked me with the resignation she shows. She spends the day agonizing inside if there is something that can save her, medicine, magic, her friends.
She comes to believe that nothing can save her, so she says nothing to anyone. She goes about her day, even tries to confess her love for someone, but says nothing about her fate to anyone. They surprise her with a birthday party and when asked to make a speech, she almost says something, but shoves aside her pain and puts on a happy face for her friends.
When the time draws near, she is sitting alone with one friend, just talking, and then, when the clock hit’s midnight, she dies.
Nothing special or supernatural about it, she just…stops. She falls from where she was sitting, her friend catchers her and sees there is no life in her eyes.
Days later, her classmates and friends are trying to go on with their lives, but just below the surface, sometimes emerging, there is so much pain and a feeling that they are somehow to blame.
Things get a little odd when one friend decides that, to bring her back, the only way is to travel back in time and change whatever it was that caused her death before it happens. Unintentionally he drags the entire class back with it. They find the girl, younger and, through a great struggle, protect her from harm while in that time.
The thing that struck me was, that once the fight was over, they were just sent back. I said, wait, the deal with the devil is still in effect, nothing has changed, she’ll still die! But then, as the screen fades back from white, I saw we were back at the party, just before she makes her speech.
This time however, something changes. Instead of putting on her brave face and resigning herself to her fate, she remembers something said to her by her friends in the past. They said, that it’s all right to lean on others, and that if you don’t allow yourself to cry, you can never smile.
So this time, rather than face her fate alone, she breaks down and begs her friends.
“Save me!
“I don’t want to leave you guys.”
“I’m not ready to die”
“Please...save me.”

I like words.
I mean, I really like words. It’s a likely and not wholly unpleasant side effect of being a bibliophile, but that’s a whole other den of squigs. I feel rather sad whenever I hear someone I consider a friend say that they don’t read often, or at all. In high school, whenever one of my classmates whenever saying with something almost akin to pride that they don’t read, I felt angry. Your brain is a muscle, like any other in your body, and just like your pecks or your gluts (hehe) if you don’t exercise it, it's not going to get any stronger. I'm not saying I have a problem with those who's IQ don’t break the bank, I’m one of them, but those who don’t even make the effort and seem to take pride in their laxity, they really piss me off. Words are just a way of communicating that you use your brain, and that you have exercised it by, among other things, reading. Ironically though, I find my feelings about words, as positive as they are, difficult to put into words.
As an example I would like to reference a scene form 1984 (the book). In the novel, the main character, Winston, explains what his particular job at the ministry is. He has been asked with going through the dictionary and determining which words are extraneous, or unneeded. In effect, his job is distilling the English language down to its bare essentials, eliminating anything for metaphor or flowerily speech. As a lover of words, this concept terrifies me. The ministry in 1984 seeks, as one of many ways, to eliminate the threat of rebellion by eliminating the vocabulary of resistance. How can you start a rebellion if you can’t put your feelings of unhappiness and resentment into words you can express? You’d just stew in these un-describable feelings till you go mad.
That being said, I have also found, like any other tool, language/words can be used for, less wholesome purposes. There a plethora of examples I could dredge up, but there is one particular example I wish to discuss.
I simply loath the word “excuse”. It has been a tool, mainly of parents, for subjugating other for ages. As soon as a rationale or explanation for something is labeled as an “excuse” it can be easily dismissed and has a negative connotation attached to it. I really, really hate it that. It’s a lazy way for others to dismiss your reasons and not have to take the time to argue the point. As long as it is civil and rational, I love a good argument. Matching your reasoning against another is superb fun. Persuasion is an amazing talent, one I wish I possessed. One of the many un-attributed quotes I love is as follows “True victory is making your enemy believe it was wrong to oppose you in the beginning.”

Wow, I digress. To sum up, words good, books have words, so therefore books good. Read a Book!

p.s. I am aware of the problem with the two new Amy Reccomends articles, but sadly I will be unable to fix them untill at least the 28th, sorry.

Though I loathe writing anything in this blog that resembles introspective crap (I barely care about my own feelings, why the hell should any of you?) but I’ve been thinking of something recently I wanted to share, in case you’ve had a similar experience.

I had spent the past weekend at my cabin, hoping to get some swimming and some relaxing book reading in, away form all the complications and distractions of city life (lol irony is hilarious). Sadly the weather wasn’t al of ideal, but that's not the real point. After a short while (having all to quickly used up the books i had brought) I found myself longing for the infinite and instantaneous entertainment usually provided by my beloved pc. It got to the point where I was becoming grumpy not having a computer around. This is pretty bad considering I was gone for a total of all of 3 days. I like to think of my self as an independent person, not reliant on much or have nay sort of addictions, but, here i was only a few days divorced and having pangs of longing.


I think this may also stem a tad form my control freakiness. I like to be in control of my environment, not have my activities dictated by circumstance and anything but my own whims. When I’m at my computer, if I feel like watching something funny, there's youtube. If I want to have some fun and interact with other's there's my MMORG World of Warcraft. Any mood or desire I have for entertainment i can sate almost instantly.

I have often in the past looked down and spoke out against the way our society is sliding further and further into an instant gratification miasma. (more on my dislike of cell phone at a later date) However, I now realize I may be a part of that monstrosity and that pisses me off none to likely. If I don’t follow my own principles, why should I expect others to (I actually have an argument for that but, later).

So I implore you all, take a look at your life, examine your comfortable routines and be aware that you may be relying on things a bit too much, as one day you may find you not enjoying yourself as much as you should, just because something familiar is gone.

If this is rambling or doesn’t make sense, meh, it's a rant, I’m not willing to spend time examine the discussion from all angles, it's off the top of my head.

The concept of Faith fascinates me. What is faith? One of my favourite attempts to define it can be found in a quote from Hebrews 11.1 " 1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..." Essentially, it means believing in something you cannot see or prove even exists (like god).

Rationally this seems ridicules. Why believe in something that you cannot see or quantify? "Seeing is believing" after all…
But that's just it! Proof denies faith! If there were evidence, something to see or touch, believing in it would be easy, not requiring any effort or strength of will at all. Faith is meant to be a test or testament to the strength of your belief. It's easy to believe in something if there's proof, only those with courage can believe in something based only on their faith. In religious terms, it is meant to be a test I guess. Those who cannot be strong enough in their belief, who require concrete evidence, don’t deserve the rewards the faithful are supposed to get. I don’t necessarily subscribe tot hat belief, but I’m straying from my topic.

My fascination of faith is linked to my problems with Nihilism. It may very well true that life has no grand finale, no eternal reward. The nihilist (apparently “lacking in faith”) are acting in what I think to be a lazy fashion. I’m not even speaking from a religious standpoint. I’m not saying that they lack faith in “God”, I’m just saying they stop short with their system of beliefs. If nothing matters, all that matters is what you do. If you don’t have to live with “God’s” judgment, you at the very least have to live with yourself. If there is no absolute truths or morals, make some! I try to live a good life, be kind to those around me, not expecting any sort of reward, but because I choose to! In fact, being good just because you expect a reward is almost as bad! Of course if presented with a positive incentive, an animal will make the choice that leads to the reward. There’s no choice there, all life seeks gain, sentient or not. That, in fact, is why faith is important. We aren’t supposed to be sure there is a reward, or a caring god that wants us to do good. Uncertainly leads to choices, and the necessity of courage enough to make the right choices, not because we think it is expected, but because we think it is the right thing to do. Have faith in your own beliefs, and god can take care of the rest if he wants to, or not.

P.s I think I may have finally nailed down why I love cats. I kind see myself in them. I have often been frustrated by my own inability to accurately describe/classify myself (though I’m no entirely sure why I want to) because at times I contradict myself. This is what I like about cats, they are also contradictions. They can be elegant and graceful, but then almost simultaneously goofy and ridiculous. I love it

I decided to add something else while I’m at it. I am not what you would call, a drinker. I in fact rarely partake of any alcohol beverages. When I do I lean towards the sugary drinks, like bailies (on ice cream, mmmm) coolers and even port if its available. I don’t like beer (too bitter) and wine just isn’t flavourful enough for me. I have never been drunk, and to be honest I have no plans to be, but where not here to talk about me being a control freak.

My point, and i do have one, is in reality, i object to alcohol's very presence in our society, on a purely practical level. I truly believe alcohol is a dread menace to our society, made so much worse for the fact that it largely goes un-noticed. Oh we all hear about the celebrities who get sloshed and spout off at the mouth or get pulled over for Drinking and Driving, but that’s just tabloid news. Thousands of people every year are killed in drinking and driving accidents, and thousands more have their health damaged by alcohol misuse. in addition, who knows how much domestic violence is fuelled by alcohol. The thought of some drunken dumbass harming someone else and not even truly understanding what they are doing fills me with murderous rage. They are nothing more than animals.

Why do we allow this to continue? Because alcohol is as ingrained in society as wearing clothes. It’s been around forever, and as such, no one seeks to question it. The heart of my case against booze is that is has no upside to speak of to possibly justify the harm it causes/facilitates. We could live just fine without it, and I imagine thousands, if not millions would be better off without it, even just in terms of their health.

Alcohol ruins lives and all people can say in defence is "Freedom too choose". Oh really? You choose to slowly kill urslef and take up a game of Russian roulette every time you get drunk? Oh sure, you think you may never allow urslef to get that hammered BUT WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE RISK??? Are we really that pathetic as a culture that we need this parasitic crutch? It would be slightly less bad if it was just urslef u put in danger, but as a drunk, ur not in control so u cant even guarantee that! You can harm others and that is simply unacceptable. There is no justification.

This rant isn’t terribly coherent, but i was on a roll so /shrug.

To close I will say this. Drinking has tons of negative side effects, and no positive benefits that even come close to balancing out with the negatives. Also, you drink, you get drunk, you are giving up control of urslef, and to me, our self control is what makes us truly human, so by drinking, ur allowing urslef to become less than human. Ferment in that!

I may get a little preachy here so ples bear with me. An issue that many of my friends and I have had to grapple with is one brought up by the innumerable download engines that are present nowadays. We can essentially get any music we want, usually for no cost. While this is all fine and dandy I personally do have reservations. If I like this music enough, I find I feel guilty not giving the artists their due by paying for their CD’s.
On the other hand, if there is just one song on the cd I like, I am very reluctant to use my hard earned (ha!) money to buy a CD with music I won't listen to but for that one song.
The balance I have achieved is this. If I hear a song by an artist I like, I download it. If I like it enough, I will search out others and if I like enough, I will buy the CD, regardless if I will like the rest. I have recently decided to do the same for shows I watch on Youtube. If I watch enough episodes, I feel obligated to buy the DVD's, even if I’m not going to likely watch them very often. I feel I owe the artist, if I’ve enjoyed them enough to watch several episodes, I want to reward his/her/it's hard work. It's not a perfect method, (how many is enough to sway me to buying the CD or DVD) but I leave that to my gut instinct.
Some might say that, especially if it’s a popular artist, that downloading the music is a victimless crime, that such successful people wont miss ur small contribution to their wealth. I’ll spare you the “if everyone thought that way” argument cause I’m suck of it too. However, I personally am a individual of principles. I like the music, I want the artists to continue making more, so therefore I pay for it. If u compromise and make exceptions, it can be habit forming. Strength of character is avoiding compromising with urslef or your values. It may be hard, but you have to live with urslef everyday, so try and stick to ur principles, it certainly makes my life easier.

I just wanted to state that i believe that music always sounds better at 1 in the morning, especially tragic love music.

Just wanted to put that out there.

I have come, rather sombrely, to the conclusion that free will has failed. The whole experiment, god giving us free will and letting us have a go, has run it's course in my eyes. And you know what? We tanked. We failed. Rather badly. Thousands of years of civilization and social evolution and what do we have to show for it? People are still killed, beaten, and raped in countries all over the world. We've given it a chance, but time and time again without any great societal constraints, human beings revert to a "survival of the fittest (a.k.a most violent and controlling)" ideology that seems to be hardwired into our silly little brains.

This is not to say I have gone nihilistic and am crafting a fusion bomb as we speak (I finished with my nihilist phase when I was twelve). We can live on; I still believe in a better world, I just don’t believe we can trust people to behave goodly on their own. So I say, bring on the microchips, bring on the violence inhibitors. Impinge on my free will? Go ahead, as long as u can insure I will never hurt anyone. I'm not advocating fascism mind you, rather a system that sadly does not, and is not yet able to be instituted, one that makes it impossible for us to be physically able to cause violence.

I believe in Harmony, and sadly I do not believe mankind can live in harmony given the choice. We must have no choice. You want free will? Why? So you can be free to beat, kill rape and be prejudice simply because YOU CHOOSE TO?? No, sorry, we tried to give you the chance to live in harmony for thousands of years, but you know what, you blew it.

Bottom line, free will is not worth a child being murdered only because someone chose to.
Nothing can justify that.
Nothing.